The three is all that’s good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic

I know I’ll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality

When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three

As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands

Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed

Credit to the film “Harold & Kumar – Escape from Guantanamo Bay”

I am sure there are many of you out there that have a keen interest in writing, and so it got me thinking that i would like to channel the talents of the many people around me.

I would like to set up a site which would be similar to a blog or a webzine.  Ideally we can have around 7 regular writers.  The idea is to face topics related to life and everything that it throws at us.  On a weekly basis we would have a topic that we would all be given and we would write out about it.

These topics could be things regarding your outlook on various issues that effect out lives from child hood, youth, and growing up.  The idea is to allow us to better understand ourselves by being able to write what is in our minds and hearts.  To be able to provide inspiration as well as evoke dialogue with others regarding these issues.  And ultimately just a bit of fun to have a corner of the Internet to ourselves to speak our thoughts and minds.

If you feel that you would like to participate in this project then contact me through my blog, my email, facebook, msn or phone.  You have many ways and in which ever form you read this post you will find a way to contact me .

You don’t have to be a seasoned writer, just someone who has an interest, and as you write and partcipate more with the team, you will most likely find your skills will be improved and make you better at writing and being able to express your self,  your thoughts and your feelings.

I am looking for people that are of any age, sex and backgrounds.  The more diverse our team is, the more rich our content and openions will be!

Over to you guys…!

Hope you let your intuition
precede my reputation
cause i have one

Well I am what you see
I am not what they say
but if I turned out to be
could you love me anyway
I’m stading in anonymous
hoping your heart
will just wake up and ask for me by name
Maybe someday you will ask for me by name
just not today

Well if this is love then it’s hard to say
but the notes in your books and your reaching away
and I’ve Confidence issues with your intentions
And I’m not hip to all of your tricks
but your algebra your politics
and the band has planned a hotel intervention

So don’t you leave me by my lonesome
to exceed my reputation
cause i have one

Well I am what you see
I am not what they say
but if I turned out to be
could you love me anyway
Stading anonymous
hoping your heart
will just wake up to ask for me by name
Maybe someday you will ask for me by name
just not today

I’m always here
I’ve walked you home
and headed for my own
until again i’m needed

Well I am what you see
I am not what they say
but if I turned out to be
could you love me anyways

I am what you see
I am not what they say
but if I turned out to be
could you love me anyway
Stading anonymous
hoping your heart
we’ll just wake up and ask for me by name
Maybe someday you will ask for me by name
just not today

Not today

This tribute is for my fantastic mother!

Recently unfortunately she hasn’t been very well, and earlier this week was admitted to hospital, she stayed over night and well, things are still uncertain, but we wait and see and hope.

But it’s at moments like these that sometimes shake the foundations of your current worldly perception, suddenly a new prospective arises and at least a melancholic period, where you reminisce about the past and all that it held.

My mum had me at a relatively young age when she was at university, and alas it wasn’t somewhere for a kid to grow up, even though i was in my dad’s parent’s care, she was always coming to see, teach, and spend as much time as she can with me. Until she finished university, she then took me and gave me more loving than any words can ever experience, a motherly love is truly one unlike any other.

I am the man i am due to her, and her alone. She taught me morals, she taught me about people, about courtesy and generally living life, and living it well. Through all the years she has never stopped working so hard for myself and then for the family she built up, to her and her alone the thanks goes for having 4 wonderful kids. All of which have a charm, charisma that has rubbed of from her.

I cannot stress how hard she works, both a professionally and for the family to ensure that we are all getting the best and more that she can give. Sometimes it’s far far too easy to take our parents for granted, they’re there and we know that, but every now and then, we need to give back, let them know we love them, we adore them, respect them and thank them for a life time of work they put in to us.

I wish, and i aspire to be the fraction of the person that she is, my whole life my one true goal is to make her happy, to make her a a fraction happy of the happiness she has managed to inject into my life!

It’s funny as i look back through the times in my life when I’ve been the young juvenile idiot that has fucked up, the first thought ever is “how am i going to tell my mum”, not because she wouldn’t understand, because…she always will, she will support me to the end, but it it the fear of disappointing! I am always embarrassed, and often more upset with myself if i upset her. For those young stupid times i am so sorry, but i truly admire her style in being able to both help me in any situation i ever got my self into, and also show me the ways to do things well and to do them right without being intrusive or offensive.

The amazing care never stops at her immediate family, it goes far and wide to anyone who has had the privilege of being caressed by her presence.

So to my idol, to my mother, i would say that to you i look up to, you made me the man i am, i admire you, love you and cherish every moment that i have had the privilege to be with you.

have courage of conviction
In everything you do
Because every little action
Only falls on to you
And I don´t want excuses
To hear your bitterness
There´s far to many people
Who want to give their best
I won’t run
I won’t hide
I only want to live
To live my life

In this light
In this life
In this love
All come back to you

Gave you my heart, gave you my soul
You left me alone here
With nothing to hold
Yesterday’s gone
Now all I want is a smile

First they say they want you
How they really need you
Suddenly you find you’re out there
Walking in a storm

When they know they have you
Then they really have you
Nothing you can do or say,
You’ve got to leave, just get away
We all know the song

You need what you need
You can say what you want
Not much you can do
When the feeling is gone
May be blue skies above,
But it’s cool
When your love’s on the rocks

Right now I am so far away from home, it’s remarkable, and it shows. But regardless of distance and time I could never really stop missing her.

On the very first night here, I looked up at the night sky, it was a carpet of stars, shimmering and twinkling, almost like a fairy tale. The moment I chose to raise my head a shooting star streamed across the sky.

I made my wish, instinctively without a thought, I already knew what I will be wishing for, I wished for her. In everything I do, in everyone I see in every moment that passes, she is there, it makes you wonder that maybe love is a ghost that haunts our hearts. Because I am truly haunted. As much as I love to hold on to the feeling, it’s almost too painful, it wants to tear you apart, and it makes you weak.

I always believe and I still do that everything is in the mind, just as you can make someone fall out of love with you, you can also make someone fall in love with you. It just takes time. Which makes me wonder, what is truly love?

It is nothing more than a feeling and longing for a partner, for closeness. To not be alone, for someone to share every mundane moment, every special moment and all those in between. But why do we always fall for that one person, why is it them? What makes them the person that we desire?

I am in control? Am I not? If I want to let go, if I want to let her go, I can do it? But are these merely the words of an addict, when once confronted they claim that they are in control, they just chose to do which ever vice is gripping them. By choice? I wonder.

Me, I love to love, I love to have someone to long for, to want, to desire. To dream of all the moments I can share with them, to show them my world, my soul, and to lay it out for them to have. But why do I choose her?

I am in a battle within myself, constantly swinging from one extreme to the other, telling myself that I do not want her, I do not need her, and that I dislike her and attempting to run through all those things that make those few points true. But all it takes is the ghost of her smile to appear within my mind. With that simple scene, that small instant all that I feared, disliked and convinced myself I did not desire, disappeared. This is the weakness that love has over us; it makes us hasty, irrational.

A life of love is a painful one, especially when the ones we love disappoint us, it hurts, and it is constant. I do not recall someone ever being stroked by love without being hurt by it, that is the unfortunate bitter sweetness of love.

Yet we wish to continue and to pursue, as a life without it is one that leaves us lonely, no matter the number of friends, family or good times, none can really match those moments when the one you love is laying in your arms, having given themselves to you, allowing you into their world and their soul, a moment so mundane could be made so special by just feeling them close to you, and every other moment of hurt in your life could be pushed far into the distance.

That is what we seek and desire, those moments that bury everything else, that remove the complication, that primitive moment of connection between two people.

But I wish it was that simple, I wish she would forget, she would let go, and she would just let herself come and lay in my arms again. The day she left my side was so sweet, so bitter sweet, as I sat there in the airport and saw her leave, all those beautiful moments were there with me, but the haunting feeling that I knew, deep in my heart, that to her….they meant nothing.

But even remembering that moment of utter despair, I just have to look into myself and remind myself of her smile; it radiated instant happiness through every part of my body and soul. Yet alas I wish I could share with her what I felt, I wish I could give her just a fraction of that feeling.
But one has to submit to it, love is something that leaves you at your weakest, and I can understand her reluctance to do so, maybe it was her mistake, maybe it was mine, but it was defiantly ours.

I just wish that she would let me in, to let love make her weak, make her weak like my feelings for her make me, and I would give her the world, I would give her my soul, completely.

I remember once telling another lost soul, that once you feel that desire, that love for someone else, look into your heart and understand what it tells you, do not just block out that feeling, sometimes your heart makes you act irrationally but you must understand it, you must fight for it, and peruse it to it’s full desire or you shall never be complete. As the path to happiness is the path in which your heart is kept happy. The path of fulfillment is the one where your mind and heart are in balance.

But where do you strike the balance? when do you stop your hearts pursuit of what it truly desires, when do you submit to your mind and tell your heart that it is merely chasing those that wish nothing more than to roll it around their fingers like a toy and then once finished to simply toss it into the distance and walk away. Leaving your heart broken, shattered, and your dreams cloudy?

I have seen the result of pursuing ones heart too far, to have that belief, which tears you apart, it is incredibly couragious, and remarkably brave, but hand in hand with this braveness was foolishness. At some point you must listen to your mind and tell your heart that it is time to move on, it is time to forget. But that is easier said than done, especially when the mind is the divine comedian of our being, constantly teasing you with images, memories and moments, as if it cherishes seeing your heart cry out in pain.

But I think that is the real meaning or at least the practical methods of love, a mix and balance between mind and heart. You must let your heart have its desires, but you must allow the mind to contain the foolishness. The balance is merely fine tuned by ones own strength, some people are able to hurt more than others, and those are the ones that can continue to open their hearts after each painful moment. I am one of those foolish few, who’s foolishness is as high as their pain threshold, and for that reason, I cannot let her go, my hearts desire is too strong, and my mind too is in love, I cannot convince myself otherwise, I am willing to open it all up to her….regardless of the consequences.

That is why this beautiful shanghai night, as again I look up at those stars, as I feel the warmth caress every part of me, as I feel my heart beat that little bit faster, and my mind thinks of nothing but her, I write this story for you.

14th August 2007

I must have seen too much skin
Much more than I needed to win
And much more than I wanted to dream
I must have felt so much pain
It’s funny how some things do remain
It isn’t true that things do change
Isn’t it strange how pain remains
But don’t look sad cause it isn’t sad
Now that I have you to myself

After seeing Man Utd schooled by AC Milan, we took a drive to Alexandra palace, where we parked up, turn to the side and in the car next to us a couple were busy at it! moved the car to the other side of the car park, and again another couple enjoying the pleasures of car considering two guys in a car in what seemed to be a rather interesting car park, it just looked wrong, so we head into town towards the Tate.

Parking up on Sumner street we headed along the river, giving Shane a tour of the south bank in a way he hadn’t seen before! we went down to the beach on the thames, and watched the city scape from an angle most people don’t get to see!

We get over the millennium bridge to the other side and go down the most random stairs of death straight to another beach, the tide was coming in quick, so we had to walk along to another exit before we get caught in the filth that is the Thames!

We find some random ladder leading back up to the river walk, once on top we find ourselves next to a scaffolded building, being the true descendants of chimps, we put our primitive skills to good(?) use and climbed up the scaffolding onto the building in progress, we manage to hang over the Thames getting some awesome views of night time London. The thrill was awesome, Shane decided he had to scale the front of the building and ends up climbing to the second floor balcony. Eventually after failing to find an entrance to the building up around the front, we decide to go to the lower levels and manage to sneak between the floors to a pitch black construction site of the building, we find ourselves a pair of goggles and a hard hat….at least we are protected stuntmen

After getting all we could out of this building and investigating as far as possible we eventually scale over and down the scaffolding again back to the river side.

Crossing the millennium bridge, suddenly the bars running along the bridge either side (hanging over the Thames) look like way way more fun than the simple act of walking across the bridge in every day fashion, as we get back over to the south side, we start climbing up the side of the bridge and onto the bars running along the west side of the bridge, considering both me and Shane are scared of heights, this fucked us up, although myself more, but again the excitement of it all was too much to pass over. We continued to shuffle along in quite a weird technique (note Shane is still wearing a bright yellow hard hat and goggles, providing people walking along the bridge quite a random view at 1am).

As we kept shuffling along we finally cleared the river side and were now hanging over the Thames with nothing but 4 metal bars a couple of feet apart between us and the water below. lying down and looking at the water was exhilarating and scary as fuck!!! Shane being the crazy fuck, decided to walk across the beams back to the bridge, while hanging over the Thames. After jumping back on to the bridge, he goes a couple of beams along and then goes off the side of the bridge again. IF anyone can visualise the millennium bridge you’d understand the beams to the right and left that go all along then rise up steeply then back down again, Shane went up along them all the way to the peak, standing on top, scared the fuck out of me, then taking a slide down the pillar all the way UNDER the bridge, to find himself stuck on top of the pillar in the middle of the Thames.

Considering he was now stuck, i got over the side hung by the thin metal cables to offer him my legs to grab on to come back up, now finding that he can get up using me, Shane decides to go that extra step run up the ramp under the bridge and we pull ourselves back up, over and on to the bridge again. This all is much more impressive if you can actually see the bridge!

Anyway, at about 2am we decide it’s now safe to say we’ve had a good night, we’ll come back next time with the camera for some cool photos of this, covered in all kinds of bridge dirt, and in a yellow hard hat, we get back to my little peugeot and speed back home.

….wow

I guess this is for me more than anyone else, i doubt anyone would read this far, or even appreciate what happened but I’d like to keep this as a log for the future as it was a cool memory!

Requirements for next time
1. Rubber Dinghy
2. Paddles (or motor)
3. Tent
4. Fold Up Bikes
5. Beer (more)
6. Camera
7. Harness